Big plans

Hike to Ruby Lake 11,130 ft.

Most people ask me when they hear of my upcoming surgery, "how are you feeling about it?" as they grimace.  Or with really wide, deer-in-headlight-eyes, "are you nervous?" or "are you scared?"  Let me be honest: I'm not nervous, I'm not scared, I'm not even stressed out.  I'm relieved and eager for this surgery to happen.  I think the nervousness and scariness of it all is unfortunately something experienced by the bystanders to the surgery: my family and friends.  So I thought that maybe if I could explain to everyone else why I'm not nervous or scared, then they could be relieved and eager with me too!

As I explained in an earlier post, my last big surgery provided me with a new-found health and energy that enabled me to live my life vivaciously and fully (like hike to Ruby Lake in the Eastern Sierras at 11,130 ft).  I've known since that surgery that my valves would have an expiration date of about 15 to 20 years, which has meant that the last couple of years, as I steadily approached 30, I grew more and more anxious of the inevitable.  I felt like a ticking time bomb.  Not knowing when the next surgery would be was stressful.  Not knowing when my job or life plans would need to be put on hold while in the midst of finding new jobs and creating life plans was stressful.  And then becoming slowly symptomatic over the past 6 months (really the last year in hindsight) was exceptionally frustrating.  Suddenly I found myself working in a job with reasonable physical demands but not being able to keep up with those demands; always being tired; feeling like a flake for not socializing as much as I wanted to on days off because I had to sleep all weekend to restore energy levels--these were my frustrations.  This is what made me scared.  My life was slowly slowing down and I had to put things on hold.  It's very hard to be at the point in your life where opportunities are expanding, exciting things are taking off and you feel like you can't keep up or participate.

Anyone who knows me knows I can't say no.  I always take on more than I should.  I'm a little Energizer bunny that keeps going and going.  I think part of that stems from that new-found ability after the last surgery to be able to keep up.  The last 16 years have been a giant gift to get to be able to say yes and to be able to do it--all of it!  It's been painful the last six months to revert back to saying no to several wonderful opportunities, or to at least put them on hold.  But true to Emily form, I didn't even get to that point easily.  Less than 12 hours after my catheterization in early July I stubbornly taught a workshop on California Cuisine to a group of high school students.  Oh Emily!  What are you like?!

So you can probably imagine how relieved and un-scared I am to have this surgery--to get back on the road to a vivacious and brimming-with-energy life.  I am overwhelmingly lucky that I live in a place and time that can get me to that quality of life again.  I am grateful and ecstatic that there is a way for me to be that healthy again.  The thing that scares me most is not being able to be myself; to not be able to do the things in my life that I hope to do.  To not be the daughter, sister and wife that I want to be.  Don't get me wrong, I have no illusions about the trauma of the surgery and the long road to recovery ahead.  I know better than anyone which are the most un-fun parts: the chest tube being removed, the first time walking, coughing, the stupid incentive spirometer that, you will certainly read later, is the bane of my existence.  These are all part of the journey to get me to the end goal of Emily-ness.  I have big plans for being Emily (including hiking to Ruby Lake again).  I'm itching to start.

In the spirit of Throwback Thursday here are some before and after photos from previous surgeries that illustrate oh so well the emergence of Energy Bunny Emily (and the increased consumption of cookies and cake).

Before 1985 surgery

After 1985 surgery: loving cookies

1999 surgery

One year after 1999 surgery: enjoying cake!